Starting a boycott while I'm still in the 18-49 demographic!

Good morning!


First of all...Happy Birthday Rick Springfield! 61 and getting better every year! Whooo hoo!

Now, a disturbing bit of news just crossed my desk. It appears "Scoundrels" David James Elliott's newest dramedy on ABC is going to be canceled after just 8 episodes. I'm crushed, because I really liked the show, but I'm not surprised. I remember a time when a tv series would get at least 13 episodes before it got yanked, and a network would actually, you know, promo the show, and oh by the way, they wouldn't start a show and cancel it during the summer months.

Granted, in today's world, TV is different. Cable stations reruns new episodes days after the networks air them. You can watch TV online. Of course, reality TV pervades the airwaves so that it's almost impossible for a WRITTEN show to make it. And, while I've long said that networks could increase their viewership by running "Summer Series" tv shows (My husband longs for the day they bring back "Maximum Bob") they shouldn't start those in late July, as ABC did with a number of shows. Most of those shows I'm sure won't see the end of September.

I could have saved "Scoundrels." I'm not saying this because I'm a DJE fan. Well, okay, I am, but still, I could have saved this show, and ABC SHOULD save this show.

First the why...then the how:

There just are not enough written shows. I get that actors and writers cost money. I get that there's something about the instant buck ABC gets from low rent trash like "Wife Swap." I also understand the schadenfruede lure of shows like "What would you do?" and "Wipeout" because I also watch those shows. There is a place for "Reality TV." Certainly. But there is a need, a great gaping need, for shows that are written, that have a plot, that give us a laugh or a reason to sit at the edge of our seats. There's a need to have handsome actors...you know..ACT, and for beautiful actresses to also...you know...ACT.

I can tell ABC this. You might be making a truckload of money off of shows like "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelor Pad." (Both shows I never have and never will watch.) Guess who's watching those shows? Not people with money. Kids. Kids are watching that silliness because, well, it's fun to watch people cry on TV and since the networks seem fairly hell bent on cancelling the Soaps, I guess we're stuck with this. But kids don't spend money like their parents do. My kids get their money from me or from part time jobs. And I can tell you this...unless you get Paramore to perform in every episode, you're not getting any of that money for your advertising dollar.


There's a reason that 5 of the top 20 TV shows each week are on Univision, the Spanish channel. I've been known land on univision every once in a while. First of all, those dramas ARE HOT. The actors and actresses are BEAUTIFUL. And don't discount physical beauty...I don't speak enough Spanish to order a taco, but I get the story of those shows.


There's a bigger reason why shows like "Mad Men" (Okay, anything AMC is putting out) has a huge following, even though it's on a cable station...it's really, really good. Why are HBO and Showtime getting all the emmys? Because they don't air "THE BACHELOR!"

Do I watch "reality TV?" Yes, of course. I watch Survivor, Amazing Race, American Idol, Project Runway, and Top Chef. I enjoy watching most shows on "Food Network" and if "Most Dangerous Catch" is on, I'll probably sit down and watch it. But the thing that separates those shows from things like "The Real World" "Big Brother" and, again, "The Bachelor" is that the people on those shows have to DO something. Whether its learning to build fire without matches, or navigate through a foreign country without money, or, making a dress in 18 hours that looks good enough for Heidi Klum to like, they all have to DO something that takes practice, talent, and skill.
What do the contestants on "The Bachelor" have to do? Or "Real World?" Or "Big Brother?"

I will admit to watching "Wipeout." Sure, it's crap. But the dialogue on that show is brilliant and fun (See...writers...) and again, at least the contestants have to DO something. It's not rocket science, but it's far easier to digest than watching some artificially attractive gym rats sit in lawn chairs and use vulgar language. For the amount of money you pay the beep guy couldn't you just get a writer to write something a little more clever?

So that's the why...now, here's the how:

I could have saved "Scoundrels" easily. It started off with great promise...DJE and Virginia Madsen, a married couple, in a steamy embrace...AWESOME kick off to a show, I say! (And for those who thought it was too steamy, hey, isn't it nice to see some heat between two MARRIED characters?)


And then they put DJE in jail. Even The Girl child, 13, said, "So the whole reason you're watching this show is for DJE and now he's in jail?"

Yep.

I realize the whole premise of the show was Virginia Madsen's character trying to get her kids on the straight and narrow. and I loved her character from the start. But as the weeks went by, she got whiny and it was less about her struggle to keep the family on the right path and more about her being a damsel in distress needing to be rescued from her life by her husband, her father in law, her son...anyone, really. And in the last episode I saw, she kissed the cop that arrested her husband??

Um, huh?

So then DJE gets out of prison in the last episode, and comes through the door just in time to see the wife and the cop discussing the smooch. NOW WE'RE GETTTING SOMEWHERE...

But it took 8 long weeks to get there.

I could have saved this show by making it move faster. We didn't care about the kids. Not really. Three of the four were outright awful. The youngest, Hope, was hilarious. But the other three were, at best, boring. So ABC, if you're going to bill a show as starring DJE and Virginia Madsen, who would attract yes, an older crowd, especially on a Sunday AFTER Extreme Home Makeover, why wouldn't have have those two FRONT AND CENTER in almost every scene? Ten minutes a week of DJE doesn't fly for me. Sorry. The younger set isn't going to watch the show because the younger characters a horrible, and the older set isn't going to watch because, as much as we love Virginia Madsen, we loved her with DJE...


But there's more to it, because I think the show could have over come a few slow episodes. Especially on Sundays. Think ABC...How many women, ages, let's say 30-49, would have tuned in to see DJE every night...especially if he was out of those prison clothes? Not sure? Check the stats for JAG...Go Ahead, I'll wait.

So you gave a new show 8 weeks in the dog days of summer with little promo and false advertising. Then you tank it when it's really getting good and you completely misuse the lead characters, two of the most talented and attractive people in TV today.

Well, congrats, ABC. I'll be boycotting your network. You keep on striving for excellence in crapitude and keep torpedoing shows that have promise. I'll go watch shows that are written by writers and acted by actors where there's a beginning, middle and end. I'll keep watching shows that DON'T get most of their promotion from the tabloids.


And I'll watch any show any time that stars David James Elliott.

I'm an employed, college educated woman. I'm 42. I have a husband, children, and complete control of the family finances. I do all the shopping, all the buying for the family. I'm also an author, an avid reader, and someone who watches way more than the national average hours of tv.

And ABC, I've just turned off your network.

Sometimes you just can't make this stuff up!

Good morning!

I saw a t-shirt recently that said, "The difference between real life? Fiction has to make sense."

As writers, you know how frustrating it is getting a critique back from someone or getting rejection letter saying, "We were confused." One of my favorite rejection came from an agent who said, "I was confused about who the main characters were."

I shouted at that letter, as I shout at Heidi Klum when I watch "Project Runway." "WHAT IS CONFUSING? IT'S A STORY! (Or, when I'm shouting at Heidi. "IT'S A DRESS!")

Why is "reality" TV so popular? Real people are not pretty, they're not graceful, they're not dramatic, and, as I witnessed last night, they're not all that smart. Real people NEED writers because writers know that to get to point B, you have to start at point A and follow a logical path. Real people, working without writers, tend to bounce around and land on a point C that no one even knew was there.

Case in point: Survivor last night. (And if you haven't seen it, STOP READING NOW, go to CBS.com and watch it before reading the rest of this!)

I was really excited about the concept of Heroes vs. Villains. I mean, after 19 seasons of Survivor, honestly, I'm losing track of who played on which Pacific island and it's nice to see some of my favorites or least favorites at it again. Bonus, two of my all time favorite Survivors, Tom the Fireman and Stephanie, were there. (And got voted off VERY EARLY because, well the heroes are MORONS.)

Turns out, being a hero on Survivor doesn't mean you're smart, or logical, or talented, or...well, all it really means is that you're sitting on a team of people who want to be conniving and simply don't have the brains it takes to plan a trip to the grocery store. Which is why the heroes were STINKING UP THE JOINT endlessly until they finally figured out how to win a challenge or two. Then, full of their good fortune (Which they attributed to getting rid of the right people...don't get me started...) they found the holy grail of really good stuff...the hidden immunity idol!

Now, the point of the hidden immunity idol is that it is HIDDEN until the person who found it uses it. Survivor history is littered with morons, most of them either on this heroes team now or should have been, who used the hidden immunity idol the wrong way, or, in the case of James...not at all. (And he had two of them in his pocket!) So did the Mensa member who found the idol KEEP IT HIDDEN? Um...no.

The first thing Good old boy JT did (And for those of you who don't know, JT won the million in his season mostly because he was a sweet dirt clod kicker that everyone loved and no one was going to vote against. I liked him at the time. I sort of hoped he'd put the money toward some higher education...or maybe just some basic common sense schooling.) was show everyone in his tribe that he had it!

Okay, so now all the people on your tribe know you have it. Which means either they'll force you to use it or they'll plot against you so that you get voted out without using it. Yeah, way to go.

So what does the brilliant JT decide he's going to do with it?

Hold on to your chairs.

He's going to give it to RUSSELL! He thinks Russell is at the mercy of the idiot women on his tribe. (It should be noted that while women have always talked about a women's alliance, it doesn't happen often, and that's because most of the women are picked for their bodies and not their brains. Seriously, there are five women villains left...and one man. And the man is running the show for no other reason than he said he wanted to.)

Again, if you don't follow Survivor, let me explain. Russell is the man who found three of these idols without so much as a clue. He's a complete troll who someone performs Jedi mind control on everyone around him, (women are especially weak in his presence.) He's also mega paranoid and the best way to stay in the game is to tell him that someone else is plotting against him. (Right Coach?) So, even Russell, who seems to be smart, is really just a dumb dumb.

Oh, and he's a Villain, which means he's not even on Jt's TEAM!

But, the future winners of the Nobel peace prize gathered last night and listened as JT read a letter he'd written to Russell. (I know, I didn't realize JT could write a letter either!) At one of the challenges, they passed the idol to Russell who went back to his tribe, read the letter out loud, and then mocked JT and the heroes in general.

See, now if a writer were to put something like this in a manuscript, I promise you the critique would read like this:

There is no way on earth the hero would save the villain for no reason. The villain has not grown or changed, and the hero is basing this saving on a reason that is not only not true, it's not logical.

But this is what is happening to these people. Writers can't write this stuff, even if they want to. If we read it in a book, if we saw it in a movie, we'd shout at the screen, "THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN!"

So go back to your work, my friends. And know that in spite of what you may see around you in the real world, when you're writing, it has to make sense.

The tribe has spoken!

The new American Dream: Sharing a reality TV judging panel with a bitchy Brit.

Good Saturday to you all!

I know, a rare Saturday post from me. Well, with good reason!

I got a hair cut this week. Not just a haircut, more of a complete hair rethink. I haven't been shorn in a good four years. I went in to my local Cost Cutters where a girl who has done my hair before waited with sheers and a certain sense of wicked glee. And now, I have what my college friends used to term my "butchy lesbian" look.

Personally, I like not shedding hair all over the bathroom like some gigantic dog every day.

Anyway, since it's been so long since I've had short hair, my very fashion conscious children are having a bit of a problem with it. (The same kids who never make their beds, pick of their clothes, brush their teeth or change their socks. Yep, those are the people who have trouble with my haircut.) And yes, hubby is making some comments about it, as well.

Like this morning. Hubby informed me that I was a hairband short of Carrie Vincent, the cranky Brit (she's actually Australian, but likes to act all British) judge on Food Network's ubiquitous Cake Challenge shows.

That got me to thinking. Why are British people on American TV so bitchy?

Think about it: Simon Cowel. Carrie Vincent. The middle guy on "Dancing with the Stars." Actually, pick a reality TV show that involves a panel of judges and I promise you, one of them will be a cranky Brit who spouts high toned put downs like Good n Plenty's at a movie theater. It actually goes all the way back to that fun, self esteem shattering game show, "Weakest Link" Ann Robinson, dressed in a costume straight out of "The Matrix" would spout out questions and send those who answered incorrectly with a sharp, disapproving tone. "You ARE the weakest link. Good bye."

And we Americans eat that up like candy! We love that British accent. Everyone sounds smarter with a high class British accent. Would Alistair Cook have been taken seriously introducing Masterpiece Theater if his accent sounded more like Roscoe P Coltrane? (If you don't know who that is, go look it up in TV history.)

Doubtful.

But why, why why do they have to be so mean? Don't get me wrong. I find myself agreeing with Simon Cowell all the time. The man is smart. And Gordon Ramsey has every right to be upset when those knuckleheads in Hell's Kitchen can't make a decent risotto. But is that reason for Americans to believe that the entire country of England is full of grouchy, uber intelligent, meanies? Must we listen to their rants and believe it all simply because, well, they're British?

Can't we find any cranky B list stars here in this country to judge our reality TV talent shows?

Seriously, is Chuck Woolery that busy?